Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
