Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
