I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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