dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
