Where did you get a picture of my penis
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
