a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
