Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize