Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
