What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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