Sorry, I don't speak sober.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
