We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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