saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
