you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
