Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize