I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
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