My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize