I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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