I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
