i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Randomize
