his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He shit in the fireplace
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
