oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Randomize
