You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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