the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
