Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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