I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize