We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
