so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
