haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
