I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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