I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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