Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
