I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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