John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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