I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
