My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize