I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
