I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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