Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
