Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
