i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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