i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
