Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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