Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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