I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
