I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
