The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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