this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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