I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
