im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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