yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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