so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
