i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
