after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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