I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
