If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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