True but thats because hes a fetus.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
