Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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