I can tuck mytits in my pants
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize