Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
