just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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