Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
we made out on top of his cat.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
