just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
