Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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