the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
