Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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