if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize