I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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