Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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